well, thanks sharifah and rurong for always conforting and encouraging me.
seriously, thanks (:

well, i know, u people think im putting pressure on myself for vb.. but he always makes it seem so hard for me to reach my goals, my aim,my own expectations.. he always does.. i really wna bengkui you mei you... it really feels soso hard, well, i might just quit when it comes to my exams and i think i've not been doing good(in exams i mean)... idk.. both Gb and volleyball are demanding, though the demands in GB are seriously much reasonable than volleyball.. and i think, this way, volleyball is muchmuch more demanding,seriously speaking.. i enjoy GB as my cca every since i think p4? their "demands" are veryvery reasonable and easy to complete.. volleyball? hell, no. mayb, just mayb its because i've alr had my "foundation" (?) laid during pri sch.. my drills and such. but well, i tot it was gna be the same, about attire and stuff, but well, secondary sch leh..its more strict. but, i still do enjoy it. and, i contributed alot(well,i think) to whoever, and i get back mayb at least a word of encouragement or thanks. thats it, i get back the same i gave.. jus like the heritage badgework, though i dont really know what i got back in return from my grp actually... but vb? i contributed much too, taking my initiative to draw the poster, rack my brain cells to think of what. ran arnd classes informing those sec1s. i think i've alr done more than im supposed to do as a v-cap. skill wise, i alr tried my best, cannot means cannot, but he had to keep pushing, u have a limit, i have it too. and yeah, what he said really affected me deeply, have he ever though what kind of *ing impact it'll have on me? biasness, what hell is this, he told someone else to relax and and take a deep breath when she missed the ball, when i missed it, he scolded me. what shit? everything my fault, i feel glum,unhappy because of my performance, my fault, i smile and laugh to forget my mistakes, he says i nvr focus, my fault. my fault my fault my fault.. why other people nvr serve over he nvr tell them "u nvr serve over,u die" thats what hit me.. i really feeeel, like quiting vb, but why for because of him i abandon my friends and my interest. but, everything i join/do/wadever, i'll set goals,expectations.. i will do everything to make myself reach it. and the last thing i need is that stupid sentence, if u dont serve over u die....he 'sian' i have not enough problems isit? 3E5, my dream class. GET IT? 3e5.. tripple science.. im fighting with all those 2e1 2e2 ppl... not hard enough isit? seriously the last thing i need is him saying such words... it really hurt me alot, he can be so nice to others but say such cruel words to me.. why others can encourage me,he cant. why my teammates can encourage me,he cant.why my non volleyballer friends can encourage me,he cant.why even my teachers can encourage me,he cant. whether they are volleyball teachers or not..those non-volleyball incharge teachers can always ignore me u know..but they did care. did u? idk...SO many whys, can it dont exist in the world? fuck. i've been thinking about these problems for very long, and i finally cant control but wack those letters out on my keyboard... i really dont wish to think so much and enjoy training.. but hearing u said those words, i've had enough.everytime u say sth, its like adding more and more clothes to a almost full luggage.. one day, it'll burst....
and yeah know what.. the year's only just begun, its just so pathetic im alr feeling lydis...
P A T H E T I C.. u noe..

F U C K

with ♥,8:14 PM